approaching therapy

I spoke about communication, and being seen. What is this about? A quality of connection. And there’s a feeling there that people have when it’s good. A good feeling. That’s what people are after. That feeling.

Seems companionship is important to people.

As an aside, I asked, “How are you feeling, by the way?”

I spoke about trust earlier.
Seems being seen is really important to people. The sense that someone gets us. There’s a sense of connection there, like that look across the room, or it doesn’t even have to be that far away. That look and you know, you know you know.

It seems to be the most important thing in a relationship.
Communication is second, if there is such a thing as second,
because it’s wrapped up with trust.

If one person expresses dissatisfaction for unmet needs, this can trigger the other person.
The strange thing about this is that the other person was fine until the first person opened his or her mouth!

Now the other person has unmet needs, for any of the following needs:

• Appreciation
• Understanding
• Being seen as he or she is

Now both are triggered, both are experiencing a deficit in needs, no one is heard, and the reactions continue go back and forth like the proverbial ping pong match.

What to do?

What a metaphor, “battle.” Not what I want to think of when I think of relationships, but the phrase came to my mind when I was thinking about getting from here to there.

I think that when people finally own their experience and stop the blaming, they are halfway there.

What else is there, then?
Perhaps another eighth is giving to self (empathy), and another eighth is giving to your partner (including compassion).

And then perhaps the last quarter is actually practicing some new ways of being, like communicating directly and honestly what’s going on, when it’s going on.

If my mind doesn’t go out to disturb the noise, the noise won’t disturb me.

– Ajahn Chah, from A Heart Full of Peace, by Joseph Goldstein

Paul: “I guess what I’m trying to say is that – these people come to me – they want me to fix their problems. And the truth is, I think all I can do is just – walk with them for a while, keep them company during a rough patch. I don’t think anybody’s life can be figured out. But it is in our nature to keep – to keep trying to make sense of it. And sometimes we can use help. That’s when if we’re lucky, there’s someone in the room who can – who can listen. It doesn’t have to be somebody perfect – somebody sufficiently screwed up, to actually get what we might be going through.”

– From In Treatment, Season 2: Week 7, episode with Gina

Paul: “I’m sorry I let you down.
I wish I could solve all your problems, Oliver. But I just – I can’t.
But one thing I can do, is–is–is talk with you, about everything that’s going on.”

Oliver: “So what?”

Paul: “But one thing maybe it will help you feel less, alone.”

– From In Treatment, Season 2: Week 7, episode with Oliver