Interesting notion: Those who can’t control themselves, try and control those around them.
Something David Schnarch writes about, as does Ellyn Bader.
I guess it would make things easier.
Let’s say your partner is saying something to you, and you are hearing it critically. Like they are blaming YOU.
Wouldn’t it be better if they could just shut up and stop attacking you?
Wouldn’t it feel better if they could admit their part in it?
So much easier than trying to keep your calm, trying to not take anything personally, or honestly trying to look at your part, and trying to keep an open and curious mind and simply say, “will you tell me more about how that is for you?!”
Or lets say you feel anxious because your partner is out as some bar with his or friends, drunk and dancing naked on the tables.
Wouldn’t it be easier on the worries if they had a ball and chain and reported back to you with reassuring words every 15 minutes?
We all need to have a certain sense of control. Even if it’s an illusion. One of those basic human needs.
But one thing I have found is there’s something to the notion of self-control. That’s the one thing that I see start to change when couples start counseling. They really see they don’t want to continue the stupid arguing.
But I’ve also seen something else. Some people who have a hard time allowing the partner to be who he or she is, and who can’t manage their reactivity, sometimes also can’t manage their impulse to drink alcohol. So how much of healthy relationships (whether relationships to people or to drugs) is about impulse control? I know that ultimately, spirits of alcohol is also a spiritual problem. But is it an impulse control problem as well? is impulse control an issue in of itself, or does it in fact relate to some other “issue” so to speak. And if the problem informs the path of health we take, what’s the best way to address all of this stuff?
Sometimes it’s all you have to do.
Like try and understand what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes.
Imagine what kind of difference that would make.
Because, as Tony Robbins pointed out, and others I’m sure, there’s ALWAYS another side.
Just ask the other person!
I guess it all relates. To that experience of seeing your part and doing what you can to take responsibility for your experience.
Apologies to those who are flash-challenged.
Find the original on the Nike YouTube channel.
that clink of the ice in the glass
that’s enough of a trigger for some people
to be on alert
when they are in a home with a person with an alcohol habit
to duck and cover
we can distinguish drugs from someone’s relationship with the drug
Addiction? Dependence? Abuse? What do these things really mean?
what’s the different between cannabis, prozac, and a banana nut muffin?
we can look at what underlying needs are met and have understanding and empathy
we can see if a problem is only a problem if it’s a problem
what’s it to you?
we can see if the problem is just in our head
but when there’s history of problems with drug use, past trauma, family stuff, relationship stuff, it resonates deeper
i think of it like a hall of mirrors, that cube of ice clattering down all the past halls, and the present becomes more, it becomes all of the past experiences, resonating like some harmonic instrument.
It’s a deep trigger.
you can do emdr and maybe it will free you from the trigger
how much “work” do you want to do?
Do you just manage your thoughts and feelings?
Do you find other ways to get needs met?
Do you live happily with unmet needs?
maybe you don’t want to get over it
maybe you just don’t want to be around someone who is high
Some views on anger
Needs and Thoughts
From NVC – Nonviolent Communication: If there’s a “should” in your head, there will be anger in your heart.
It relates to unmet needs, and thinking. Both components. Thinking something SHOULD be different than how it is. And anger is an overlay feeling. There’s always another feeling right underneath, along for the ride. I can think of three: frustration, fear, and hurt.
From The Anger Trap, by Les Carter: It’s self preservation. It’s like a way to rise up when feeling one-down. Like a defensive maneuver.
Emotional Tipping Point
From IFS – Internal Family Systems, by Richard Schwartz: It’s a Protector, that comes into play when the emotions are overwhelmed. Our managers are usually at work keeping things under control and in line, but when the emotional brain is activated and emotional equilibrium is lost, the fire fighter comes in. All to protect the vulnerable self. The hurt one.
This, from Tara Brach, via www.nicabm.com, The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine
Compassion might be the most crucial element in healing.
What’s really going on therapy: The therapist is simply mirroring someone’s goodness to free him or her from the trance of unworthiness.
I have never heard it expressed that way, and I like it. The trance. The presumption that there’s nothing wrong with someone, except their belief that there’s something wrong. And then, one day, they wake up.
Tony Robbins inspires again, in a neat intervention he and Chloe Madanes orchestrate.
If you are going to blame, you need to do it consciously. What a concept.
You can’t just blame someone for the “bad.” That would likely be missing something. We probably also get something good from people as well. If we think about it. If we admit it.
They lay it out – if you wanna be depressed, just focus on yourself.
Don’t try and understand what might be going on for someone else.
Don’t just focus on the bad; don’t forget there is also good. People offer us some great things.
And don’t forget – we also get some “good” from the “bad.”
From suffering, we might develop things like sensitivity, resiliency, creativity, strength, even compassion.
Who knows what wonderful things might come from having a father that ignored you when you were two years old?
As my landlady said, when asked about her credentials for the healing work she did: “My qualifications are my woundings, and what I have done with them.”
What is it about? I asked someone. She said, “be with family.”
Might as well, if you enjoy that sort of thing, since sometimes that’s all we got when it comes does to it – family and whoever else is in our lives.
Forget about material things.
And time is passing. So enjoy the living ones while you can.
Some thoughts that relate to “that time of year”, thoughts that relate to other discussions on keeping even-keeled, keeping stress at bay, and managing your sense of self in relationships, particularly during the holidays. I was interviewed by Joanne Barker for an article on WebMD, and some of my thoughts made it into print.
You can view the article in context here: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/family-health-12/reduce-holiday-stress
You can print the article here: Print Me
You can download a PDF here: Download Me
One is moving towards in the form of giving
The other is moving towards in the form of asking
A little of both will help.
If you don’t ask, you’ll be getting yourself in trouble if you’re expecting to be given to. Even in expecting another person to know what it is that turns you on.
If you give without asking, you get a treat, too in the form of a smile back.