approaching therapy

musings as they come, and as they evolve …

attachment vs differentiation and communication skills

without comments

Will “validation of someone else’s feelings” interfere with that other person’s spiritual growth and foster a dependent sense of self?
Will it “reinforce the problem“, as David Schnarch writes?

I do like the point behind Schnarch’s exhortation: “Stop trying to get your partner to listen to you (or validate you); listen to yourself!”

And I agree when Schnarch says we gotta learn to self-soothe and regulate our own anxiety and connect with our core.

And I agree with his suggestion that people can’t do this for each other so easily when they themselves are activated. You gotta attend to your own needs.

But my understanding of communication skills includes more than just “reciprocal validation.”
I like the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model, because it’s really about a state of consciousness, which is then reflected in the way one communicates

By consciousnesses, I mean seeing our connectedness to each other, understanding and connecting with each others’ needs, and the compassion and the desire to contribute to others’ well-being that naturally arises from that perception. Communication techniques can also increase the chance the we will get our needs met — not a bad thing, eh? NVC is also very much about empathy, not only for others but for ourselves, which I see as a form of taking care of yourself.

The NVC model looks at underlying needs. Honoring them and finding ways to meet everyone’s needs. Schnarch’s model seems to be about learning to stand on our own two feet, but I also wonder if his gives a nod to the notion that with respect to some needs, we may be interdependent?

Do we need others to help us meet our needs for appreciation? for love? for companionship?

Is it’s like what Thich Nhat Hanh supposedly said: “Love is available; help yourself !” ??


Written by David

October 12th, 2010 at 10:36 am

Posted in couples

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