approaching therapy

I spoke about communication, and being seen. What is this about? A quality of connection. And there’s a feeling there that people have when it’s good. A good feeling. That’s what people are after. That feeling.

Seems companionship is important to people.

As an aside, I asked, “How are you feeling, by the way?”

Casey Truffo got these questions from Andrea Lee.
Below, I’m quoting Casey verbatim, who is partly quoting Andrea, but I changed one word. From business to relationship.

1. What is it you want for your relationship?

2. What is important to you?

3. What might you let stop you?

4. How can you prevent that from happening?

How do you break through a current obstacle that’s keeping you from where you want to be or even who you want to be.

Andrea Lee says,
A breakthrough is not a process, but a decision.
A decision to not stop yourself.
A decision to go for it.

Are you ready to be done with what is stopping you?

That’s the title of a book by Kelly Bryson. I really do admire his work and perspective.

And then I read this quote in Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, by Richard Bach. New York: Dell Publishing, 1977, p. 59:

Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.

But I like to question things.
So I ask, “really?”

Is that true for you?
If you can’t speak your truth, would you rather be dead?
Live free or die?

For you, are there some needs which may be more important than authenticity?
How about safety? A roof over your head?
Would you choose to hold your tongue in exchange for what scraps you do get in your relationship with your partner?

It’s easy for therapists to exhort people to “be authentic” and to suggest to them that they aren’t responsible for someone else’s reactions.

But just b/c you aren’t responsible for someone else’s experience doesn’t mean you don’t have to deal with that other person’s reactions. It’s what my teacher Judye Hesse calls the game of “truth AND consequences.”

What if you tell your partner that you love him and then he withdraws because he’s afraid to allow himself to receive love for fear that if he allows himself to receive, then he’ll also allow the possibility of loss, and now he’s admitted vulnerability, and that’s not a position he wants to put himself in. Or what if he yells at you back and tells you to stop taking care of him, and gives you the icy shoulder for three days?

Or what if you tell your partner you are disappointed that you didn’t get to spend some time with him this weekend and he just turns it back on you and gets on your case for the time you went out with a friend of yours two months ago, and he won’t stop yelling at you until he’s had the last word. Is it worth it to say anything?

Would you stay in this relationship? Would you rather be alone?

Sure, you can take responsibility for your own experience — you can try and manage what comes up in you in the face of your partner’s reactive display and soothe yourself. But how much tension and coldness can you stand?
And sure, you can always heed Jim Morrison’s advice and just “walk out of town.”

No, you can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need
– Rolling Stones, 1969 album Let It Bleed. Written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

When I hear people who are distressed because they aren’t getting what they want, I think of Viktor Frankl. How would it be if you were in a situation where it was clear that you weren’t going to get what you wanted? And if it was clear that you might not get your needs met as fully as you would like? Would it be easier to step out of that illusion of thinking others should somehow be different than how they actually are? And step out of the paradigm of blaming and power struggles?

Viktor Frankl survived living in a concentration camp. His book is aptly titled From Death-Camp to Existentialism. He survived. How about you. Will you survive or at least get by if your needs aren’t met? What would you live for? What would keep you going? Hope is what helped Frankl, even if it turned out there was nothing at the end of the road.

I also return to some words I overheard a Czech restaurateur named Vladimir say to some elderly patrons. They had driven all the way from Santa Rosa to Inverness, CA. The roast duck is always on the menu, but that night – I think it was a Sunday night – it was not available. The man was obviously angry as evidenced by the tautness and redness in his face. To which Vladimir responded with this inculcation: You can’t alvays get vat you vant all of zee time.

Feelings versus Thoughts

I feel like …
I feel that …
I feel as if …
I feel like you are ….

How do you feel when you have that thought ?

When I did an internship some years back at a public agency in Point Reyes, one of my supervisors was Hiram Elliot. I admired what I imagined was his solidity. I pictured him sitting in a chair, facing the other person, and responding to whatever they said with, “and what are you feeling?” “and where do you feel it in your body?” and repeatedly asking, “and what do you do with those feelings?”

I asked that of some people and they didn’t know what I was talking about.

What do you do with your feelings?
The word “do” is an odd one, as if there is a separate entity called the doer.
So, what do you do with your feelings? Do you hold them in the palm of your hand? Do you fold them up? Do you throw them against a wall? Do you wash them down? Do you give them a voice? Or do you just observe them? Equanimously, of course.

It’s hard to admit that it’s just us. That we can’t stand the feelings the come up for us.
And that’s it’s all in our heads. This shame, this guilt, or this sense of wrongness that we buy into.
Come on, admit it. No one is doing anything to us. It’s not that I can’t stand you. It’s that I can’t stand me.

Happiness is one’s capacity to love and to receive love.