approaching therapy

musings as they come, and as they evolve …

Archive for the ‘truth’ Category

sorting

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I like to sort things out.
The needs from the hurts.
Where does it all come from.
So you might not get your needs met. That’s one thing. Not the end of the world. In fact, you can probably count on not getting your needs met as much as you’d like, as much of the time.
So we might be bummed out. Ok. Disappointed. Perhaps. Profoundly. Perhaps. Deeply let down. Ok.

But why feel hurt over it?

Probably because we think the other person doesn’t care about us?
That starts to point to it.
Whether they care or not probably says more about the other person than it does about us, but that’s how we take it. So it’s about how we take it; the meaning we make of it.

I think it’s so unnerving to us because when we think that the other person doesn’t care about us, it touches that part of us that believes we are not worthy of caring. That’s a painful thing. Again, going back to what John Welwood talks about.

Here are words from someone describing their experience:

It’s about distinguishing between needs not being met (and how one responds to that), and one’s own sense of self and self-worth (and how one cares for that piece), and how one inhabits that space as “mine” – as one’s own, and owns that, so it’s not so easily penetrated by someone whose actions may have meant to hurt you, or not. It gives you a lot of freedom and helps you see what’s yours and what’s theirs and helps you see them – as people with their own struggles.

So remember, even if someone doesn’t respond the way you might really have wished for, and even if someone really doesn’t really care about you or “honor” your needs, your needs are always valid and you are always worthy of love.

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Written by David

April 2nd, 2015 at 11:43 pm

Posted in couples,truth

our actions reflect our values ??

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Is it really true that our actions reflect our values?  It turns out that it is not always true. 

When you aren’t fire-walking or otherwise acting in alignment with your highest self, it could be the case that our actions reflect any of the following:

  • our fears
  • other limiting beliefs, negative cognitions, doubts, guilt
  • lack of imagination, black and white thinking
  • habit
  • stuckness
  • inertia
  • laziness
  • stubbornness, ego! The natural knee-jerk defiance in the face of a request. The needs of independence, autonomy, choice, free will, freedom.
  • attachments – to things, to places
  • attachment to a sense of identity – who would I be if I changed? If I did something else or moved somewhere else – who would I be? Avoiding the existential anxiety of that experience. Again, ego!
  • the effects of a bad night’s sleep

So when someone says they love you but they want to spend their evening attending to organizing their rock collection, I hope that keeping in mind these other possible meanings for people’s actions helps you take it less personally. 

And instead of struggling around the push-pull of our desires with another person, isn’t the idea for all of us just to have caring for ourselves and each other around our experiences? 

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Written by David

December 4th, 2014 at 12:29 am

How to love yourself if you don’t love others?

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You know. Your heart knows.
– from Burt Harding

It’s probably why you are still here.

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Written by David

December 10th, 2013 at 3:43 pm

Posted in individuals,truth

greatness

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Apologies to those who are flash-challenged.
Find the original on the Nike YouTube channel.

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Written by David

January 10th, 2013 at 12:33 am

Posted in truth

blaming consciously

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Tony Robbins inspires again, in a neat intervention he and Chloe Madanes orchestrate.
If you are going to blame, you need to do it consciously. What a concept.
You can’t just blame someone for the “bad.” That would likely be missing something. We probably also get something good from people as well. If we think about it. If we admit it.

They lay it out – if you wanna be depressed, just focus on yourself.
Don’t try and understand what might be going on for someone else.

Don’t just focus on the bad; don’t forget there is also good. People offer us some great things.
And don’t forget – we also get some “good” from the “bad.”
From suffering, we might develop things like sensitivity, resiliency, creativity, strength, even compassion.
Who knows what wonderful things might come from having a father that ignored you when you were two years old?

As my landlady said, when asked about her credentials for the healing work she did: “My qualifications are my woundings, and what I have done with them.”

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Written by David

November 21st, 2012 at 9:59 pm

the new empathy

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According to Pat Love, it turns out that there are two empathic systems in the brain.

See this short video link: http://youtu.be/a8rd7KbzZTs

One is the MNS – Mirror Neuron System
This is what we think of as the classic empathic system – which enables one person to feel what another is feeling.
It’s like compassionate presence.

But there’s another system – the TPJ – Temperoparietal Junction System
According to Pat, that part of the brain is just as empathic, but responds with analysis and troubleshooting to fix the problem, to alleviate the pain as quickly as possible.

Most women use the MNS and appreciate that, and most men use the TPJ.
Sometimes people want compassion and not troubleshooting.
In fact, sometimes the troubleshooting misses the target, so to speak, and makes things worse.
It’s one of those many (!) things people tend to do that ends up being counter to someone’s needs for empathy.

That’s unfortunate!

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Written by David

May 20th, 2012 at 11:40 am

the difference

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What’s your take on what’s going on and what needs to happen?

Is it about delusion of duality and permanence?
Is it about differentiation?
Is it about self-empathy?
Is it about shifting from the head to the heart?
Is it about safety? Connection?

Are they different? Are the paths in therapy different? Are they all saying and/or aiming for the same thing?

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Written by David

May 8th, 2012 at 12:43 pm

noise

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If my mind doesn’t go out to disturb the noise, the noise won’t disturb me.

– Ajahn Chah, from A Heart Full of Peace, by Joseph Goldstein

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Written by David

May 26th, 2011 at 11:09 am

Posted in truth

walking

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Paul: “I guess what I’m trying to say is that – these people come to me – they want me to fix their problems. And the truth is, I think all I can do is just – walk with them for a while, keep them company during a rough patch. I don’t think anybody’s life can be figured out. But it is in our nature to keep – to keep trying to make sense of it. And sometimes we can use help. That’s when if we’re lucky, there’s someone in the room who can – who can listen. It doesn’t have to be somebody perfect – somebody sufficiently screwed up, to actually get what we might be going through.”

– From In Treatment, Season 2: Week 7, episode with Gina

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Written by David

January 4th, 2011 at 11:30 am

Posted in truth

talking

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Paul: “I’m sorry I let you down.
I wish I could solve all your problems, Oliver. But I just – I can’t.
But one thing I can do, is–is–is talk with you, about everything that’s going on.”

Oliver: “So what?”

Paul: “But one thing maybe it will help you feel less, alone.”

– From In Treatment, Season 2: Week 7, episode with Oliver

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Written by David

January 4th, 2011 at 11:28 am

Posted in truth