approaching therapy

musings as they come, and as they evolve …

control

without comments

Interesting notion: Those who can’t control themselves, try and control those around them.
Something David Schnarch writes about, as does Ellyn Bader.
I guess it would make things easier.
Let’s say your partner is saying something to you, and you are hearing it critically. Like they are blaming YOU.
Wouldn’t it be better if they could just shut up and stop attacking you?
Wouldn’t it feel better if they could admit their part in it?
So much easier than trying to keep your calm, trying to not take anything personally, or honestly trying to look at your part, and trying to keep an open and curious mind and simply say, “will you tell me more about how that is for you?!”

Or lets say you feel anxious because your partner is out as some bar with his or friends, drunk and dancing naked on the tables.
Wouldn’t it be easier on the worries if they had a ball and chain and reported back to you with reassuring words every 15 minutes?

We all need to have a certain sense of control. Even if it’s an illusion. One of those basic human needs.

But one thing I have found is there’s something to the notion of self-control. That’s the one thing that I see start to change when couples start counseling. They really see they don’t want to continue the stupid arguing.

But I’ve also seen something else. Some people who have a hard time allowing the partner to be who he or she is, and who can’t manage their reactivity, sometimes also can’t manage their impulse to drink alcohol. So how much of healthy relationships (whether relationships to people or to drugs) is about impulse control? I know that ultimately, spirits of alcohol is also a spiritual problem. But is it an impulse control problem as well? is impulse control an issue in of itself, or does it in fact relate to some other “issue” so to speak. And if the problem informs the path of health we take, what’s the best way to address all of this stuff?

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Written by David

July 22nd, 2013 at 7:43 pm

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