approaching therapy

We don’t have any problems — except when we try and talk about things.

Reminds me of that phenomenon that Werner Herzog talks about* – about shining neon lights into every corner of a room. And what happens? It becomes uninhabitable.
Sometimes I think he may be right. When you focus on the negative, that’s what your experience will be.

For some couples, things will go along fine until the topic happens to be brought up. Then the argument starts.

So I asked some other couples about whether shining the light on so-called problems helped or just made them feel miserable.

One couple said, “We can air out stuff that’s bugging us. It’s a safe way to open up to each other and we know it’s not gonna get into a screaming match.”
Another couple said, “I like that it’s not a gripe fest.”

I’m not doing anything differently, but some couples want to blame and argue and some couples find they can talk.

*Interview with Terry Gross, Fresh Air from WHYY, Oct. 27, 1998

No, you can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need
– Rolling Stones, 1969 album Let It Bleed. Written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

When I hear people who are distressed because they aren’t getting what they want, I think of Viktor Frankl. How would it be if you were in a situation where it was clear that you weren’t going to get what you wanted? And if it was clear that you might not get your needs met as fully as you would like? Would it be easier to step out of that illusion of thinking others should somehow be different than how they actually are? And step out of the paradigm of blaming and power struggles?

Viktor Frankl survived living in a concentration camp. His book is aptly titled From Death-Camp to Existentialism. He survived. How about you. Will you survive or at least get by if your needs aren’t met? What would you live for? What would keep you going? Hope is what helped Frankl, even if it turned out there was nothing at the end of the road.

I also return to some words I overheard a Czech restaurateur named Vladimir say to some elderly patrons. They had driven all the way from Santa Rosa to Inverness, CA. The roast duck is always on the menu, but that night – I think it was a Sunday night – it was not available. The man was obviously angry as evidenced by the tautness and redness in his face. To which Vladimir responded with this inculcation: You can’t alvays get vat you vant all of zee time.

Been a little heavy on the negatives.
So, how about some positive encouragements:

• Give.
• Listen.
• Stretch.

But only if you want to.

i feel hurt

i get that you feel hurt

i feel hurt

i get that you feel hurt

I FEEL HURT!!!!

i get that you feel hurt

That’s what Judye Hesse, one of my teachers at CIIS, used to say. And she attributes it to Will Schutz and the T-group people.

Be wary of the tendency to ask questions.
Such as:

Why are you being such a jerk ?!

It’s a cover for saying what’s really going on.

Sure, you can communicate however you want.
It’s easier to make it seem like someone else is the problem than to admit we feel hurt.
People will get the point either way; it’s just doesn’t foster compassion.

Instead of saying: What’s your problem?

Imagine saying instead, Hey, I didn’t like how I heard what you said. Are you open to hearing me share my feelings and making a request? OK, so, when you made that comment, I felt upset. Now knock it off, will ya?

If you want to annoy your partner, the next time they make of those “question” remarks, you can be a smarty pants and say back to them in a taunting voice, what’s the feeling behind the question?
Or, you can try to see that they are just upset, and you can respond with an empathic statement instead. Your choice.

Feelings versus Thoughts

I feel like …
I feel that …
I feel as if …
I feel like you are ….

How do you feel when you have that thought ?

I can give you empathy, but I don’t think your problems will go away

… until you want to stop blaming
… until you are ready to put aside your ideas of how your partner is supposed to be and start dealing with reality as it is
… until you are ready to stop trying to make your partner change
… until you are ready to take responsibility for your own experience
… until you are ready to take a sober look at your choices
… until you are ready to stop giving your power away and playing the victim
… until you are ready to shift your focus away from your partner and just focus on yourself and take care of yourself

Sometimes people want to tell their partners how much they feel hurt. I figure they want empathy.

So I can mediate a discussion. It’s all calm-like and everything’s stated in proper English. The hurt person says, “I feel hurt,” and the alleged perpetrator says, “I get that you feel hurt.” You’d think that would do it, but sometimes the hurt and anger is still there. Something’s still there. There’s still upset in the air.

It’s because the energy behind the feeling is still there.
The wellspring of energy has to be vented.

Wouldn’t it be great if the hurt person could scream at the partner, and the partner could just sit there and listen with compassion? And the air would be cleared, once and for all.

Or maybe the upset energy is something that has a life of its own, and needs to unruffle on its own sweet time, in its own organic way, and there’s nothing one can do to help clear it any faster.

I think there’s some sort of alchemy of healing that happens when you can communicate directly to the person around whom you feel hurt.
But some folks suggest that the “hurt” is just energy, and that it can be expressed in any number of ways, on your own.
Leonard Jacobson says do an anger meditation. Do it from a place of consciousness and don’t believe your stories. He says do it until you start laughing. Then you know you got it.

I hear what you’re saying, …
but …
it’s just that …

Miki Kashtan from the Bay Area Chapter of the Center for Nonviolent Communication talks about listening, empathy, and stretching. By stretching, she means putting aside your reactions and your needs and trying to give. Giving your presence and empathy. It’s just kinda hard to be empathic if you’re mad and hurting. You really gotta put your stuff aside just for the moment. You can come back to it later, because it’s important, too.

Sometimes it helps to share what you think is going on, because it might relate to why you’re reacting and what you’re feeling.
I like how Terrence Real encourages us to share that: The story I’m making up in my head is….
Otherwise, when talking to your partner, I invite folks to keep to the following guideline:
Refrain from telling your partner what you think is going on for him or her and what you think your partner needs. People don’t like being told who or what they are, and what they should do.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s OK to have thoughts and opinions. They happen. You can think your partner is over-reacting, making a big deal out of nothing, is off his or her rocker, needs to deal with his or her mother issues, whatever. But just keep that to yourself.
What’s it to you, anyway?   Just talk about yourself and what you’re feeling or wanting. It’s a safer bet.