approaching therapy

musings as they come, and as they evolve …


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Apologies to those who are flash-challenged.
Find the original on the Nike YouTube channel.

Written by David

January 10th, 2013 at 12:33 am

Posted in truth

the clink of the ice

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that clink of the ice in the glass
that’s enough of a trigger for some people
to be on alert
when they are in a home with a person with an alcohol habit
to duck and cover

we can distinguish drugs from someone’s relationship with the drug
Addiction? Dependence? Abuse? What do these things really mean?
what’s the different between cannabis, prozac, and a banana nut muffin?
we can look at what underlying needs are met and have understanding and empathy
we can see if a problem is only a problem if it’s a problem
what’s it to you?
we can see if the problem is just in our head

but when there’s history of problems with drug use, past trauma, family stuff, relationship stuff, it resonates deeper
i think of it like a hall of mirrors, that cube of ice clattering down all the past halls, and the present becomes more, it becomes all of the past experiences, resonating like some harmonic instrument.
It’s a deep trigger.

you can do emdr and maybe it will free you from the trigger

how much “work” do you want to do?
Do you just manage your thoughts and feelings?
Do you find other ways to get needs met?
Do you live happily with unmet needs?

maybe you don’t want to get over it

maybe you just don’t want to be around someone who is high

Written by David

December 7th, 2012 at 12:31 pm

anger deconstructed

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Some views on anger

Needs and Thoughts
From NVC – Nonviolent Communication: If there’s a “should” in your head, there will be anger in your heart.
It relates to unmet needs, and thinking. Both components. Thinking something SHOULD be different than how it is. And anger is an overlay feeling. There’s always another feeling right underneath, along for the ride. I can think of three: frustration, fear, and hurt.

Rising Up
From The Anger Trap, by Les Carter: It’s self preservation. It’s like a way to rise up when feeling one-down. Like a defensive maneuver.

Emotional Tipping Point
From IFS – Internal Family Systems, by Richard Schwartz: It’s a Protector, that comes into play when the emotions are overwhelmed. Our managers are usually at work keeping things under control and in line, but when the emotional brain is activated and emotional equilibrium is lost, the fire fighter comes in. All to protect the vulnerable self. The hurt one.

Written by David

November 30th, 2012 at 11:33 pm


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This, from Tara Brach, via, The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine

Compassion might be the most crucial element in healing.

What’s really going on therapy: The therapist is simply mirroring someone’s goodness to free him or her from the trance of unworthiness.

I have never heard it expressed that way, and I like it. The trance. The presumption that there’s nothing wrong with someone, except their belief that there’s something wrong. And then, one day, they wake up.

Written by David

November 30th, 2012 at 11:24 pm

blaming consciously

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Tony Robbins inspires again, in a neat intervention he and Chloe Madanes orchestrate.
If you are going to blame, you need to do it consciously. What a concept.
You can’t just blame someone for the “bad.” That would likely be missing something. We probably also get something good from people as well. If we think about it. If we admit it.

They lay it out – if you wanna be depressed, just focus on yourself.
Don’t try and understand what might be going on for someone else.

Don’t just focus on the bad; don’t forget there is also good. People offer us some great things.
And don’t forget – we also get some “good” from the “bad.”
From suffering, we might develop things like sensitivity, resiliency, creativity, strength, even compassion.
Who knows what wonderful things might come from having a father that ignored you when you were two years old?

As my landlady said, when asked about her credentials for the healing work she did: “My qualifications are my woundings, and what I have done with them.”

Written by David

November 21st, 2012 at 9:59 pm


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What is it about? I asked someone. She said, “be with family.”
Might as well, if you enjoy that sort of thing, since sometimes that’s all we got when it comes does to it – family and whoever else is in our lives.
Forget about material things.
And time is passing. So enjoy the living ones while you can.

Written by David

November 21st, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Posted in family

that time of year

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Some thoughts that relate to “that time of year”, thoughts that relate to other discussions on keeping even-keeled, keeping stress at bay, and managing your sense of self in relationships, particularly during the holidays. I was interviewed by Joanne Barker for an article on WebMD, and some of my thoughts made it into print.

You can view the article in context here:

You can print the article here: Print Me

You can download a PDF here: Download Me


Written by David

October 22nd, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Posted in couples,individuals

asking and giving

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Two things
One is moving towards in the form of giving
The other is moving towards in the form of asking
A little of both will help.

If you don’t ask, you’ll be getting yourself in trouble if you’re expecting to be given to. Even in expecting another person to know what it is that turns you on.

If you give without asking, you get a treat, too in the form of a smile back.

Written by David

July 21st, 2012 at 9:50 am

Posted in couples

the new empathy

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According to Pat Love, it turns out that there are two empathic systems in the brain.

See this short video link:

One is the MNS – Mirror Neuron System
This is what we think of as the classic empathic system – which enables one person to feel what another is feeling.
It’s like compassionate presence.

But there’s another system – the TPJ – Temperoparietal Junction System
According to Pat, that part of the brain is just as empathic, but responds with analysis and troubleshooting to fix the problem, to alleviate the pain as quickly as possible.

Most women use the MNS and appreciate that, and most men use the TPJ.
Sometimes people want compassion and not troubleshooting.
In fact, sometimes the troubleshooting misses the target, so to speak, and makes things worse.
It’s one of those many (!) things people tend to do that ends up being counter to someone’s needs for empathy.

That’s unfortunate!

Written by David

May 20th, 2012 at 11:40 am

the difference

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What’s your take on what’s going on and what needs to happen?

Is it about delusion of duality and permanence?
Is it about differentiation?
Is it about self-empathy?
Is it about shifting from the head to the heart?
Is it about safety? Connection?

Are they different? Are the paths in therapy different? Are they all saying and/or aiming for the same thing?

Written by David

May 8th, 2012 at 12:43 pm