approaching therapy

musings as they come, and as they evolve …

4 years?

without comments

It has been said that couples usually take several years to process an affair.
Several years?
3 years?
4 years?
Please keep this in mind.
It can help orient you.
Allow allow allow.
allow time.
allow the desire to get over it.
and allow the time to get over it.

Written by David

April 27th, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Posted in couples

adding up

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I spoke about communication, and being seen. What is this about? A quality of connection. And there’s a feeling there that people have when it’s good. A good feeling. That’s what people are after. That feeling.

Written by David

January 6th, 2012 at 1:06 am

Posted in couples,individuals

companion

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Seems companionship is important to people.

Written by David

January 6th, 2012 at 1:04 am

Posted in couples,individuals

by the way

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As an aside, I asked, “How are you feeling, by the way?”

Written by David

December 22nd, 2011 at 1:20 am

Posted in individuals

seen

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I spoke about trust earlier.
Seems being seen is really important to people. The sense that someone gets us. There’s a sense of connection there, like that look across the room, or it doesn’t even have to be that far away. That look and you know, you know you know.

Written by David

December 18th, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Posted in couples

trust

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It seems to be the most important thing in a relationship.
Communication is second, if there is such a thing as second,
because it’s wrapped up with trust.

Written by David

December 10th, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Posted in couples

chain of reaction

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If one person expresses dissatisfaction for unmet needs, this can trigger the other person.
The strange thing about this is that the other person was fine until the first person opened his or her mouth!

Now the other person has unmet needs, for any of the following needs:

  • Appreciation
  • Understanding
  • Being seen as he or she is

Now both are triggered, both are experiencing a deficit in needs, no one is heard, and the reactions continue go back and forth like the proverbial ping pong match.

What to do?

Written by David

June 24th, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

half the battle

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What a metaphor, “battle.” Not what I want to think of when I think of relationships, but the phrase came to my mind when I was thinking about getting from here to there.

I think that when people finally own their experience and stop the blaming, they are halfway there.

What else is there, then?
Perhaps another eighth is giving to self (empathy), and another eighth is giving to your partner (including compassion).

And then perhaps the last quarter is actually practicing some new ways of being, like communicating directly and honestly what’s going on, when it’s going on.

Written by David

June 5th, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Posted in couples

noise

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If my mind doesn’t go out to disturb the noise, the noise won’t disturb me.

– Ajahn Chah, from A Heart Full of Peace, by Joseph Goldstein

Written by David

May 26th, 2011 at 11:09 am

Posted in truth

walking

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Paul: “I guess what I’m trying to say is that – these people come to me – they want me to fix their problems. And the truth is, I think all I can do is just – walk with them for a while, keep them company during a rough patch. I don’t think anybody’s life can be figured out. But it is in our nature to keep – to keep trying to make sense of it. And sometimes we can use help. That’s when if we’re lucky, there’s someone in the room who can – who can listen. It doesn’t have to be somebody perfect – somebody sufficiently screwed up, to actually get what we might be going through.”

– From In Treatment, Season 2: Week 7, episode with Gina

Written by David

January 4th, 2011 at 11:30 am

Posted in truth