approaching therapy

musings as they come, and as they evolve …

what’s the feeling behind the question

without comments

That’s what Judye Hesse, one of my teachers at CIIS, used to say. And she attributes it to Will Schutz and the T-group people.

Be wary of the tendency to ask questions.
Such as:

Why are you being such a jerk ?!

It’s a cover for saying what’s really going on.

Sure, you can communicate however you want.
It’s easier to make it seem like someone else is the problem than to admit we feel hurt.
People will get the point either way; it’s just doesn’t foster compassion.

Instead of saying: What’s your problem?

Imagine saying instead, Hey, I didn’t like how I heard what you said. Are you open to hearing me share my feelings and making a request? OK, so, when you made that comment, I felt upset. Now knock it off, will ya?

If you want to annoy your partner, the next time they make of those “question” remarks, you can be a smarty pants and say back to them in a taunting voice, what’s the feeling behind the question?
Or, you can try to see that they are just upset, and you can respond with an empathic statement instead. Your choice.


Written by David

March 29th, 2010 at 9:51 am

Posted in couples

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